Three Sleepless Nights
by Hypeduponcoffee
Summary: Lately L keeps getting very peculiar dreams and they all seem to revolve around Light. LxL MxM and some NearxLinda. Next up I told you not to call me Dad
1. Chapter 1

**This is a series of crazy dreams L has, along with some real life action. As I explained since they are dreams some of the characters might be OOC okay **

When L woke up; it wasn't in his own bed, or his room for that matter. The walls were covered with pink flowery wall paper and he was surrounded by millions of fluffy stuffed animals. He paused to contemplate what had happened. Had he been raped and molested by Misa Amane, no she was to busy staring at Light's ass. L was 98% sure that Light had a nice ass, he wanted to give it a squeeze.

He was then interrupted from his deep thoughts by no other than Watari who was dressed as a fancy butler, bowtie and all. "May I remind you princess of today's pending affairs?"

Princess? What could Watari be referring to? I mean he had a dick, Right? He reached down…..nothing. He looked down, OMG boobies! He almost had a heart attack. Most guys were always curious about what it would be like to have boobs for a day , maybe he could have some fun. Okay snap out of it! He thought to himself. I'll just have to go along with it.

" Princess, today you will be visiting the Pretty Pink Princes Spa for your mud bath , eating lunch at Cafe Nous Mangeons Des Chiens, you will then stop at salon La Belle for a mani pedi and a bikini wax…"

L was absolutely horrified he started to zone out until he heard that one last part.

"….. You will then attend Prince Light's Annual Valentines royal ball. Oh and don't get in a fight with the Arch Duke of York's daughter again. What was her name again; I keep forgetting but she's such an obnoxious brat. Now I remember …. Misa. "

Okay so today wasn't going to be such a bad day; I mean after that dog eating restaurant and that awful bikini wax, he, I mean she, was finally going to get a chance with Light.

After eating chocolate soufflé for breakfast, it was time to go to the Pretty Pink Princes Spa. L and Watari were greeted by Mogi and Aizawa in frilly pink uniforms. Neither of them seemed to be pleased with their job.

"We have an appointment for Princess Ryuzaki, and for me Watari"

"Ah the mud bath for the Princess and sea weed body wrap for Mr. Watari" replied an un amused Mogi.

This was going to be a long day…..

It was 9 O'clock and the ball was beginning; L was wearing a beautiful white gown, Princess Lolita style, with a with a laced corset at the top with poofy sleeves. He was sporting a silver tiara dotted with blue diamonds at the top of the usual hair do. It looked as he had been sprinkled with powdered sugar. The room lit immediately as he entered the room.

"You look beautiful tonight " L was greeted by a smiling Light, who took her hand and kissed it. L's heart began to race as, crazy fangirls glared at her. Light escorted L to the dance floor, where everyone was Caramell Dansen. Yes even Watari and Roger, and Linda had forced Near into it while Matt and Mello were making out in a random corner. Oh and did I mention that Matsuda and Mikami were strippers at this party.

"Owie my arms hurt," you could hear Near complain. However luckily or unfortunately for him, however you would like to look at it the Ding Dong Song by Gunther followed. Linda now stared at Near with a perverted gaze, and he made a run for it. Matt and Mello laughed hysterically at this while Watari and Matsuda sang along. Everyone then started grinding on each other, and Light placed his hands on L's hips dragging her closer.

"GET THE FUCK OFF MY LIGHT-KUN YOU WHORE!" screamed a furious Misa, who was then dragged away by Matsuda to receive a striptease.

" Wow" replied L.

"Meh, sadly I'm used to it" replied Prince Light. Suddenly a slow song came on, to be specific She Will be Loved by Maroon 5. And the princess wrapped her arms around her prince and they danced . The room seemed to have stopped and the world was spinning. It was as if they were the only two people in the universe. L glanced up in to Lights eyes shyly, he smiled and he placed his hand on her cheek and went in for a kiss. Their lips only inches apart. …

…...

" Wake up sleepy head" A slightly frustrated Watari said. 'Huh' was that a dream ? L reached down to feel him self. "

"Yay Im not a girl !" He jumped up in joy.

" I can tell you had an interesting dream" Watari had a curious look on his face.

Interesting for sure. What was that about Princess Ryuzaki, having a crush on Light, being the woman in the relationship? I mean if he was in a relationship with Light he'd be seme, I mean Light is so totally an uke. What was he even thinking about he didn't even like Light that way , or did he?


	2. L's Brilliant Plan

L was absolutely baffled, how could this be? Light, of all people; never mind he would just shove it off. So he put on his regular attire, consisting of baggy jeans and a casual white shirt. It was all going to be fine; he was going to spend his entire day eating sweets, accompanied by a hyper active Matsuda , a complaining Aizawa, a bitchy Misa Amane, and a very sexy….. god what was he thinking!

Now that he thought about it, the younger man was very attractive. Sun kissed skin, warm brown eyes, his teeth were so white his smile glistened, he was…perfect.

"So how's the Kira investigation going?" Matsuda interrupted his day dream. "Misa Misa would like to schedule another date with Light!"

"Just get me another cup of coffee" replied an un amused L. He was sick of Amane and all this Misa Misa stuff. Especially now as she had more of a chance with Light, as she was a girl. For one L actually wished he was one, unless…. Light just happened to, you know, swing that way. He just had to find a way to find out. Could he ask him straight up or come up with a scheme to find out. Now he just had to find a way to get rid of Misa.

" Mogi-san! Could you please take Miss Amane shopping? I'll give you the whole day off tomorrow!" L begged, He would do absolutely anything to get rid of Amane for the whole entire day.

Mogi sighed, this was going to be a long day. Its not like he had an option, right? At least he had the whole day off tomorrow.

"Fine" He replied completely u amused.

" I knew you'd take up my offer"

After pondering and contemplating his plan L decided to get a go on it.

" I found a new lead on the Kira case, did you see Sakura T.V's last nigh special on Kira. Al though we know that Sakura T.V has been an unreliable source in the past, it is believed that Demegawa is planning to contact Kira. I have gotten a few leads as to where they will meet. Remember the other thing Demegawa mentioned yesterday on T.V_"

" Is it the new Misa Misa brand cereal ?" He was abruptly interrupted by Matsuda

"They could have new Misa Misa condoms for all I care!" Aizawa replied rudely

" Is it the Camui Gackt concert?" Light asked

"You are all wrong, remember Demegawa was exited about Free Lap Dance Tuesday s at Ichigo's Gentlemen's Club. Aiber confirmed that Demagawa will be attending and is rumored to be contacting Kira."

He had managed to pass Aiber some money under the table, but either way Aiber was satisfied, he got money and a free lap dance.

Aiber then continued to inform them of their plans that night. Which today, just coincidentally happened to be Tuesday?

Aizawa could not go, his wife would kill him if he ever went to a strip club again, Mr. Yagami's marriage was more stable but he could not manage to bring himself to do such a thing. Wedy was too busy, with other affairs, and she did not wish to go, as going would make her look like a lesbian. She would much rather go to a Chip N Dales.

This left L, Light, Matsuda and Aiber to go. The idea of going seemed almost appalling to Light, however he could not refuse as, and refusing him could make him look gay in front of his father. Matsuda and Aiber seemed to be quite pleased with this decision and were already getting nosebleeds.

"Now remember have fun, but not too much as this is a serious part of the Kira investigation"

Light gulped, how the hell was he supposed to have fun, there were going to be women running around NAKED! He tried to not look shocked , his father was there. He once remembered a time Misa molested him.

******Flash back time******

**The doorbell rang **

"**Light, Misa-chan is waiting for you at the door, I think she got you a present!" Sayu exclaimed.**

**Oh God, not her again, Light thought to himself. Ryuk giggled like a little girl waiting in anticipation to see what Misa was up to.**

"**Light 3 ! " Misa screamed at the top of her lungs and glomped him. She was decked in her usual attire, but it was slightly, never mind, more, no…. an extremely skimpy version of the usual. This was a Lolita French maid costume, but the two piece kind (feel free to look it up on e-bay). **

**Misa closed the lock to Lights room, with a loud click. Ryuk tried to keep himself from laughing out hysterically. He thought to himself humans are so interesting.**

"**Light-Kun , I brought you some whipped cream" Misa said in her most provocative tone of voice dropping her top. **

**Light gulped " Misa we shouldn't do that here, my mother and Sayu are in the house it would be disrespectful, and I would dishonor my family. He kept his gaze up trying not to look down.**

**She forced herself on him placing his hand on her bare breast, and began undoing his tie and wrapped it around his wrists. She undid his buttons one by one. **

"**Light, Diner is ready" Sayu had saved him. **

**Later that night Ryuk asked Light one simple question **

"**Light you don't seem to like her, or is that the case with all women?"**

" **I think she might have turned me gay!" sobbed Light , trying too hard not to think about it. **

**********End Flash back*********

Light took out a deep sigh. Why, oh, Why?


	3. Ichigo's Gentlemen's Club

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxx Authors Note**

**I would like to remind you guys that ratings exist for a reason. So if you are not mature enough to handle this fic please read something else. It's that simple. It's my first fic so cut me some slack, It gets annoying to randomly be reported or something along those lines. I'm not even being that descriptive. It's okay to disagree with my crude sense of humor, and that's fine. And may I remind you again that this is rated M for a reason, especially the following scene it's at a strip club. And for those who support me please enjoy **

**Xxxxxxxxxxxxx End Authors Note **

The stars glistened under the night sky as the moon smiled upon the earth, as a gentle breeze blew across the silent night only to be interrupted by obnoxious neon lights and the screams of drunken men. Across the pink neon sign read " Ichigo's Gentlemen's Club" followed by , " Free Lapdance Tuesdays" and " Wrap your Willy Wednesdays" oh and even worse " Naughty Nun's Sundays" .

What was the world coming to? Light Yagami froze in terror, first of all he didn't like women, gays don't need condoms, and damn he was scared of nuns, especially the ones that hit you with rulers. Ryuk was curious humans had strange sexual fetishes, it intrigued him. Especially on the nun one, as he was used to seeing nuns as cold serious middle aged or elderly women. Why would anyone want to se one naked? Ryuk could be so Naïve sometimes.

" WOOT, WERE HERE!" Matsuda whooped.

" What did I tell you about having too much fun" L replied with a casual facial expression.

Aiber just laughed, and they proceeded to enter. Inside there was a bar, a few tables, a dancing platform with a few poles, and a few cages. There were girls everywhere; one or two were already naked to Lights horror.

" Yo, Light. You think you can handle this?" Ryuk asked.

Light just stood there and gulped. L took a quick glance at Light, it seem his plan had worked. He did not seem interested in women, at all. It would be visible to any idiot passing by, except for the fact that any idiot passing by was to busy staring at that blonde strippers bouncy overly round breasts. Therefore L was the only one that noticed. He would confront him about it later.

So far Aiber and Matsuda seemed to be enjoying themselves, completely forgetting about Demegawa. Well Aiber knew the truth so it really didn't matter; he was getting a free lap dance after all. Matsuda on the other hand was flirting with a blonde stripper in a playboy bunny outfit. Surprisingly she seemed somewhat interested in him.

Light kept staring around, no sign of Demagawa. He sighed, what was going on? Was this some plan L had to test him? Is this about how Kira would behave at a stripclub? Maybe L was just a pervert, I mean it was his idea to come here. No it couldn't be, L seemed to have his usual facial expression and showed no interest in any of the stripers. May be Aiber just wanted an excuse to go to the strip club that had to be it. No, If that was the case, couldn't he have gone by himself. Whatever , to distract himself Light had a little idea.

" So what are you planning to do Light" Ryuk chuckled.

" Waitress I would like a StrawbeRita" Light knew that Ichigo's Gentlemen's Club was famous for these delicious concoctions, so if he couldn't enjoy the women, no problem.

"Light, How many of those do you have in plan of drinking?" Ryuk asked.

Did it matter Light was already feeling a bit tipsy, and once Light started drinking….. damn was it hard to get him to stop. Ryuk knew what Light was like when he got drunk, he always acted like an idiot and then he gets really horny. Humans were just so damn entertaining.

"Yagami-kun, I see you are enjoying yourself " Stated a very interested L

" Uh-huh" Light had this silly lopsided tipsy smile.

" Light, aren't you going to get your free lap dance?"

"NO…. Ways ….. Im too busy enjoying my StrawbeRita, want one ?"

" No thank you Yagami-kun"

Light was incredibly wasted now It was now time for Light to sing the beer song (which the author did not write) Here is a link :

.com/watch?v=rPLutvB_9ZA

**Light:** What is the malted liquor.  
What gets you drunker quicker?  
What comes in bottles or in cans?(beer)  
Can't get enough of it,(beer)

**Now random men in the strip club joined him in song:**

How we really love it,(beer)  
Makes me think I'm a man,(beer)  
I can kiss and hug it,(beer)  
But I'd rather chug it,(beer)  
Fill my belly up to here,(beer)  
I could not refuse a,(beer)  
I could really use a,(beer)  
Beer, beer, beer.

**Light :** I can't remember how much I have had,  
I drank a twelve pack with my dad, BURP!  
**Random Guy: **That's my son the drunken manly stud,  
I'm proud to be his bud,  
**Light: **Here have some pretzels,  
**Random Guy :** No!  
I'll call it quits,  
Those things give me the Schlitz!  
**  
Everyone :**Drink with your family,  
Drink it with your friends,  
Drink till you're fat,  
Stomach distends,  
Beer is liquid bread it's good for you,  
We like to drink till we spew,  
EW  
Who cares if we get fat,  
I'll drink to that,  
As we sing once more.

**Aiber stared in terror this was extremely humiliating, Ryuk was laughing, L was observing with his usual expression, and Matsuda on the other hand had joined the procession. Well Duh **

What is the malted liquor,  
What gets you drunker quicker,  
What comes in bottles or in cans (beer)  
Can't get enough of it,(beer)  
How we really love it,(beer)  
Makes me think I'm a man,(beer)  
I can kiss and hug it,(beer)  
But I'd rather chug it,(beer)  
Fill my belly up to here,(beer)  
Golly I adore it,(beer)  
Come on dammit pour it,  
Do it for me,  
Brew it for me,  
Feed it to me,  
Speed it to me.(beer)

The most wonderful drink in the world.  
Hooray

L decided damn this was humiliating they should leave immediately before Light continued to humiliate himself even more.

" Guys there is absolutely no sign of Demegawa, we should go now" He declared.

"I agree, but we should come here some other time" Aiber decided.

"But… Why? Can't we stay a little longer?" Matsuda protested.

"No" said L and Aiber in unison.

" You guys go ahead and stay I'll take Light home" L stated. "I'll go get us a cab"

Once they were outside Light had to lean on L to keep himself from leaning over, which made L self aware. Light could hardly walk in a straight line he was all over the place. Thank god the cab got there early.

"Light-kun, why did you drink so much? I'm worried about you, you're going to become an alcoholic."

" I couldn't stand it."

"Couldn't stand what?"

" So much….boobies…."

" So does Light-kun not like girls?"

" huh…? No…way…..gurlz are icky…."

"Why did Light-kun not tell me earlier? I mean were friends"

" Light-kun's Daddy is homophobic… hell beat me with a stick"

"Light-kun that is an exaggeration , I am sure Yagami-san deeply cares about you."

Light snuggled up close to L and put his head on his lap, Light could hardly even sit straight.

"Light-kun wake up were at your house"

Sayu was at the door, Mrs. Yagami was a sleep. L had to pay Sayu hush money to make sure she kept it a secret her brother had gotten completely wasted.

Once L got to his hotel room, he was exhausted. He removed his usual attire and put on his blue cotton candy pajamas. He threw himself at the bed and just laid there, maybe tonight he would actually get some good sleep, none of those crazy weird dreams again.


	4. Osama and the evil pube monster

****** Authors Note **

**Okay I'm sorry I haven't written in a while I've been kinda busy with graduation and cousin visiting ,oh and irritating mother, and job hunts but here is chapter four. Oh and this dream for L is split in to two parts and it's kind of a long dream. Oh and a warning, this dream is kind of intense and bizarre so sorry if I offend anyone okay. Oh and I have this new AU Fic about Aiber being a Psychologist called 'How does that make you feel' so please checks it out 3**

The sky was red, the sun was blurple and was sporting a Salvador Dali style mustache, the clouds were made of cotton candy, It was truly a beautiful day. L was woken up by girl with short black hair wearing hello kitty ears.

" Ryusaki wake up!"

"…..huh….?"

" I'll give you a cookie if you wake up "

"COOKIE?" L asked.

He got up immediately and took the cookie from the cat girls hands. He devoured the cookie but was quick to realize…. Holy fuck where was he? Why did the sun have a Salvador Dali Mustache? But most importantly, who was this girl and how did she know his name?

" Ryusaki, the world needs you, It has been taken over by an evil pubic hair monster that is controlled by an evil warlock who goes by the name of Osama bin Laden. He uses his magic for evil and he eats cats and dogs and witches, and ferrets, and tigers, and babies, and even ferrets, and children, but most importantly ferrets, and even cat girls like me!"

"Who are you and how do you know my name" Asked L with a puzzled look!

" That's not important" replied the cat girl " You must help us change the world, Osama bin Laden will eat me if you don't. Did I mention he keeps a harem and that he is making it illegal to get Brazilian bikini waxes so that now everyone is going to have to have landing-strips, and I don't like that cause they remind me of Hitler's mustache. I don't want a Hitler va-jay-jay!"

"…. Okay….." replied a horrified L, but then a question popped in to his head " Cat girl do you have any idea who Light Yagami is, or where he may be?"

"Ah, that guy. You mean Osama's new pet? Him well he's always naked and he wears a collar and all this bondage stuff. Yeah, he's never out of his sight. Osama keeps him on a leash" This fact really did seem to amuse her.

"I mean is he okay?" Now L was incredibly concerned for light he had to save him.

" Well I have no idea, I mean Osama is an evil warlock. So if someone disobeys him, he will unleash the evil pubic hair monster on them and they will become ugly and hairy." She paused for a second" so probably he's not okay."

Poor Light now he really had to save him !

" Where can I find Osama bin Laden?"

"'It seems that he has moved from his usual cave to that big castle over there" She pointed at this gynormous castle rearing in the horizon, It seemed to be enveloped by gray clouds and thunder. She handed him a bag of gold and told him he would need this for his journey and then she disappeared.

So he bid his farewell to the cat girl with a feeling that he would be seeing her again. And he set of to the nearest village to prepare for his journey. He looked for the closest Inn he could find until he found the Mama Mello's Bed and Breakfast. He was greeted at the front doors by a man that looked a lot like him, same shade of black hair except his was straighter and his eyes had a hint of red at a certain angle.

"Hello welcome to Mama Mello's Bed and Breakfast! How may I help you?" exclaimed Beyond Birth day in an incredibly out of character way.

" I would like a single suite for the night." L replied casually. He glanced at Beyond's ridiculous uniform which considered of tight leather shorts, fishnet tights, high heels, and a frilly pink apron tied at his waist.

" Would you like for me to join you?" He asked in his most seductive tone of voice

" Um….." L was not used to strange men hitting on him before.

" B, stop hitting on the customers again, you'll scare them away and they'll go straight to the 'Jai Dormi Avec Ta Mere', and that would piss Mello off and that's the last thing we need" Matt yelled at B as he smacked him with a whip on the buttocks. Matt was dressed in a French maid outfit, really what was up with this fetish themed hotel.

L paused to think for a second while Matt continued to whip BB, why did all of these French places have such weird names. We eat cats and dogs; I slept with your mother. Damn this was getting old. What was next a Mexican restaurant called 'El Culo' with a sign below that said ' le servimos comida vieja y otras mierdas". (If you want to know what that means just look it up)

" Matt! Why are you whipping B?" Mello popped practically out of nowhere? He was also decked out in costume, a sexy nurse costume to be exact.

" He was harassing the costumer, and we don't want to loose all our costumers to the "Jai Dormi Avec ta Mere" Mello's mouth drop.

" I am so sorry please stay, I'll give you a discount and a free breakfast !" Mello apologized as B was always scaring costumers away.

"I guess, the 'Jai Dormi Avec ta Mere' sounds kind of scary anyways." L replied.

"Matt, take the bags up to his room and don't do anything stupid that would make leave to the 'Jai Dormi Avec ta Mere!" Mello ordered." Oh and give me a call if you need anything at all what so ever."

"So what brings you to this part of town?" asked, a very curious Matt.

"Well you know the evil wizard named Osama bin Laden_"

"Why, yes in fact these days it seems that everyone knows who Osama bin Laden is. In fact I would stay away from him. As if you come close to him you will get attacked by an evil pubic hair monster."

"Yes, yes, I know"

"So what do you want from him?"

So L went on to tell Matt how his beloved Light had been forced to become Osama's new pet and that he was determined to save him.

"Dude, that's nuts!' Matt replied followed by a " Can I help?"  
"Sure why not" L decided that it was best to get help "So what's your grudge against Osama?"

"He is making gay sex illegal and soon cross dressing will be forbidden too, leaving me without a job, and then everyone would have to go to the 'Jai Dormi avec Ta Mere' "

"I see, so now we just have to find a way of how to defeat the evil pubic hair monster, let's start brainstorming"

"Well, we could set it on fire and then it could become a fire crotch" BB suggested, trying to taunt Matt

"B it is rude to barge in on conversations like that!" Matt yelled and pulled the whip out again. "And for the last time I'm not a fire crotch!"

"Matt forget about it and now back to the brainstorming!" L grumbled

"Well now thinking about hair removal methods we could either wax it or shave it which way would we want to go?" Matt replied

"Well we would need a lot of wax or many razors." BB said

"I know we could build a giant razor I just don't know how" L said, and just then Mello barged in.

"Well, Matt is a great mechanic so me and Matt can build a giant electronically powered, automatic razor." Wow Mello was really getting in to it." Now the other issue is how to protect ourselves from the pubes"

That was a duh " We'll just have to sow ourselves some form of giant suit with a masks to protect our beautiful faces" L stated " I guess me and B could sow, now by when do you think this will be ready?"

"In a day if I get all of the employees to help"

"That's not good enough" L replied

" Well Mello I guess we could get Near and his employees at the 'Jai Dormi Avec ta Mere' to help"

"But Matty, he is our greatest rival!" Mello protested

"FOR GODS SAKE IT CANT BE THAT HARD, WE JUST HAVE TO BRIBE HIM WITH A NEW FUCKING LEGO SET OR SOMETHING!" BB screamed

"You know he has a point." Matt stated.

"UGH, FINE, but Matty if this doesn't work out its no sex for a week" Mello yelled

And so they made their way over down to the 'Jai Dormi avec Ta Mere'


	5. Jai dormi avec tamere and Wizards

***** I would likes to thanks you for your reviews. Have a cookie. And I would like to answer a question. This dream L had is based on a combination of mine. When I was a little girl I had a dream Osama bin Laden took over the world and was a wizard and forced everyone to wear wool under ware and it itched. I also had a dream about an evil pubic hair monster my junior year*****

So they made their way over to the 'Jai Dormi Avec ta Mere" , Mello had a glare In his eyes and a smile upside-down

"Seriously Mello its fine, Near probably isn't too happy about bin Laden either." Matt said trying to comfort Mello.

"Matt, one more word out of you and it's no more sex for a week!"

So just then Matt decided to keep his mouth shut, as they continued to walk to the dreaded hotel. Soon enough they reached the front door and they were greeted by none other than Halle Lidner and Stephen Gevani. It appeared that the 'Jai Dormi Avec ta Mere' was a Moulin Rouge themed hotel as Lidner sported one of those frilly corseted French dresses with fishnets and hooker stilettos and Gevani well he was wearing one of those stereo typical black berets and a stripy shirt.

"Hello Welcome to the 'Jai Dormi Avec ta Mere'! How may we help you?" Gevani greeted in a fake overly dramatic voice.

"Gevani, Its Mello! He's Nears business rival, I'd probably think that he was here to insult Near if it wasn't here with Matt and BB and this other guy that looks just like BB."Halle smacked Gevani .

"So then what brings you to this part of town?" asked Gevani trying to sound as least suspicious as possible.

" We would like to speak to Near, It is highly important." L replied.

"Follow me, this way" and they followed Lidner into a big office surrounded by well Lego's, and dominoes, and Barbies?

"Hello, Mello. Hey that rhymed!" Near said in his usual monotone voice " What brings you to the 'Jai Dormi Avec ta Mere'?"

"Damn it Near it's not like I want to be here!" Mello

"Damn it, Mello just get to the point!" Matt interfered

"That's it! No sex for a month!" Mello screamed.

Near just stared at Mello awkwardly. What could he possibly want? Luckily for him B answered his question.

"Hey you sheep you know how that one evil wizard guy is always making annoying laws to ruin our businesses. Like the no cross dressing law in our hotel, and for your case he made Barbies illegal."

"Yep, and they are action figures not Barbies!" Proclaimed a frustrated Near.

"So I was thinking my friend has this idea that if we build this giant battery operated razor we can defeat the evil pubic hair monster and exile the evil warlock"

"Ah so that's what you're here for, I am glad to offer my help. My employees will help you until the job is done"

And from then on they worked together, from dusk till dawn. Near and Mello did not even argue about the razor's color or style, no they were above that, the world was more important. So instead of putting apart their differences they left Beyond Birthday to figure all that crap out, and make the most important decisions, cause if anyone could get away with murder it was him. Beyond Birthday decided that it would be somewhere in between a Venus Vibrate and a Venus Breeze, seeing as things that vibrate are fun and he liked the color purple… a lot ….

" Ah so it's finally done !" a familiar voice seemed to appear from nowhere, wait a minute…. Oh my god it was a very familiar looking cat girl.

"It's you again!" L pointed a finger at her. "You have a lot of explaining to do!"

" Never mind that, we have to hurry to save your boyfriend!" She teased " Anny ways I thought I'd help. Guess what I got!"

" JAM!" Beyond made a wild guess.

"OOOH, OOH, OOOH, CHOCOLATE!"

" Is it Lego's?"

"Cigarettes?"

"You're All wrong !" she yelled " I thought I'd lend a hand by bringing along 25 ferrets armed with lime scented Nair! Oh and yes Matty, I always carry along cigarettes."

"Why that's absolutely wonderful." L replied sarcastically. "How did you get them?"

" I stole them from Ferret Land" she replied " I stole them from my geometry teacher of sophomore year. After he failed to take over the world with them, he tried to start a ferret themed amusement park"

"Now off to the castle!" BB yelled.

"Wait a minute Beyond you just can't barge in to see Osama." Near said" You always have to have some sort of business with him."

"Well unless you're a prostitute!" Mello exclaimed, finally he had beat Near at something.

"Cross dressing is forbidden, Mels" Matt reminded him, guess he spoke too soon.

"Luckily the Burka is in style so we don't have to worry about anything" L stated.

So off they went to Osama's castle dressed in pink burkas they disguised the razor as a purple futuristic car, and the ferrets were disguised in Pikachu costumes. On their way they came across a man in the entrance of Ferret Land crying, he looked like a chubbier version of Toby McGuire (Peter Parker), and he was wearing glasses.

When they arrived at the palace they were greeted by the palace guards who just happened to be wearing blue wool under ware. And a song that most American people don't know was playing it was :

.com/watch?v=M_ston7gXJk

Bounce by Tarkan.

Spider monkeys began dancing and the men who were wearing wool under ware began to shake their hips and then pelvis thrusted. Damn the things poor people done when forced in to slavery by an evil wizard.

"Welcome to Castle Osama!" the guard sang "What business could you possibly have coming here"

"Were prostitutes"

"What about the Pikachus?"

"They're prostitutes too!"

"Well that's a good enough reason for me to let you in" and the funny little man continued to dance along with his fellow guards, and the gates to the palace opened.

Inside the throne room sat an evil warlock wearing a periwinkle colored turban and a gown of silk laced with gold forming stars.

"For the last time I keep telling the guards Im' not in to bestiality! Now I will have to punish my beloved Light-kun!" Screamed Osama bin Laden, the evil wizard. He looked down, below him there was Light Yagami. He had a red ball gag in his mouth , his hands were tied around his back with leather bands, and he seemed to be wearing the same classical blue wool under ware everyone else was wearing.

"Stop!" L yelled heroically removing his pink burka , and an evil Osama laughed.

"You cannot stop me feel the wrath of the evil pubic hair monster, you trespasser!" He yelled and the roof was raised from the ceiling up to the heavens, and a mass of red hair fell from the heavens as it roared.

"Oops I forgot to tell you it was a ginger pubic hair monster." Shrugged cat girl, as she commanded the ferrets to take of their Pikachu costumes.

"Really" L smacked himself in the head.

"Now Fire" Cat girl commanded and the ferrets sprayed Nair all over the monster, it got all around it, some even got on Osama's beard.

"NOO, what are you doing to my monster?" Osama screamed "My beard"

Matt and Mello prepared the razor, it hummed and growled, and they mounted it like a horse, and ran it straight to the monster's heart. Without the monster Osama was losing his great powers. However without his beard he was nothing.

"My Beard... My Precious Beard!" he cried " …..Without my beard… I….die….."

And he took his last breath and turned in to sand.

"Well that was easy" Cat girl sighed "Now let's give those two a moment"

Cat girl and everyone left the room to give the two love birds some … space. Oh and to spread the news of Osama's defeat! Perhaps her geometry teacher did have a chance of taking over the world with ferrets after all!

L undid the leather bands around Light's wrists and took out the ball gag.

"Light are you all right?" L asked , Lights face was covered in tears, his back covered in whip marks.

" I am now" he replied

No more words were spoken among them as L placed a light kiss on Lights forehead, and whipped away his tears. They looked in to each other's eyes and their lips met, slow and gentle at first the way every first kiss should be. But pace always changes with these sorts of things. L reached down and grabbed Lights butt, shocking the brunette just enough to grant his tongue access to his mouth. He lay Light down on the floor legs intertwined and his hands tangled in his hair. It was everything L could ever wish for, If this was truly a dream he never wanted to wake up

" Ryusaki, Wake up" Watari called from the intercom "Don't tell me that you forgot what you have to do today."

Damn it.


	6. The Mistery Field Trip

**Hello it seems that every time I try to post off a link it cuts of the part that says youtube, so I am highly annoyed…grrrr, **

**Oh and I am mad at word for 'correcting' things that were already correct…more grrrrrrrrrrrrr**

"Really?" Watari sighed "I can't believe you forgot."

"Forgot what?" sighed L

"Something having to do with, well your trip to Whammy's!" Watari screamed.

Really how could L, forget every few months he had to visit the orphans to add on to their enthusiasm in becoming his successors.

"Watari, what about Light-kun?" L asked " I mean I can't leave him here alone as he is still under suspicions of being Kira, and I can't bring him along."

"No worries, I have planed ahead" Watari explained " I gave Roger a call ahead of time and he agreed to Light-kun coming along under a few conditions."

"uh, huh"

"We would have to bring Light-kun on a leash, and there is also something regarding the boys being that specific age.." Watari continued.

L had forgot, how old were Matt, Mello and Near since he last saw them. I mean in his dreams their ages varied, how old were they again? Damn it now he remembered! Near was 12, Matt 13, and Mello was 14. There was only one thing Watari could be talking about.

"Yes, Ryusaki." He proceeded "You know exactly what I'm talking about , you are going to have to give them the talk."

"Damn it! I knew it" he whined " I just hope Roger doesn't tell them about the time I was licking a penis pop when I was 7 and I didn't know what it was"

"Ah yes, I remember that" Watari sighed. It was going to be along day, and even Watari knew that.

The entire task force walked in to their designated work areas and fulfilling their duties; except Mogi, who was enjoying his well deserved break for enduring tedious day shopping with Misa Misa. Yup everyone was in their correct place; Aizawa was watching a porno on his laptop, Matsuda was sticking random writing utensils in Aizawa's hair, along with prettiefull bows and combs, Watari was serving Italian ice, Chief Yagami was sighing at everyone else's shameful behavior, and Light was just working on the Kira case looking so cute, even with a hangover.

"Ryusaki!" Matsuda interrupted his thoughts once again " Misa Misa would still like to schedule a date with her beloved Light-kun"

"Matsuda, not now." L ordered " I have other plans for Yagami-kun today, we are going to go on a very special field trip."

"Can I come?" Matsuda asked, he was almost hyperventilating from excitement.

"No." L coldly replied "Now get me another cup of coffee"

"Ryusaki you never informed me of such a field trip" The older Yagami questioned his boss.

"Yeah Ryusaki, you never mentioned this to me until now." Light complained

"That's cause I didn't remember until today!" L defended himself. And Soichiro Yagami just shook his head L's shameful forgetfulness. "Well, look at things things this way; you get to miss your date with Misa Misa, and I take you out to dinner so I can make it up to you."

Light liked the idea of missing his date with Misa Misa, besides he was excited to see where Ryusaki was going to take him to dinner, he hoped it was Italian.

"That works for me pretty well" Light replied excitedly " It just depends where we are going for dinner, I feel like Italian."

"That works fine, Italian it is" L said, and all of a sudden Matsuda was back with his coffee.

"Hey, I heard this new place just opened and its called El Penne de Alfredo* , it is an Italian restaurant. Ooh, ooh, you'll never guess what their specialty is_" Matsuda was cut off by L.

"Penne Alfredo" he just blankly stated.

"Damn it! How did you know?" Matsuda just stared blankly.

"The answer is in the question" Light said " Now get me another Latte!"

"That's my boy" Soichiro said patting Light on the back, he was learning well the ways of L and his father and everyone else in the Kira task force.

"By the way you never once mentioned where we were going." Light said.

"Oh, you'll see Yagami-kun." L said in a creepy voice "It's a surprise "

Within a few minutes Watari took L's and Light's stuff and placed them inside a private jet. Light just wondered where L got all this cool stuff, and for all he knew was off to a new mystery place.

Aizawa , Chief Yagami, and Matsuda were left alone inside the building with no L, or Watari to supervise over them, and they were stuck to deal with a grumpy Misa Misa. All they knew is it was either that time of the month, or she was just THAT pissed about not having her date with Light.

"EEEP! Where is my beloved Light-kun?" a rabid Misa asked

" He is on a date with Ryusaki and Watari-kun." Matsuda taunted, his statement was in fact so dumb it sent Misa on a rampage.

"My Light-kun is NOT GAY!" She screamed in rage. "Right Dad."

"For the last time, do not call me dad" the Chief stated "And Matsuda how many times do I have to tell you my son is not gay!"

It seemed that now days everyone involved in the Kira investigation had staked some form of bet on Light's sexuality. Matsuda and Weddy clearly believed that Light was flaming gay, Soichiro being a strict father figure believed his manly son was straight, Aizawa and Aiber believed Light was asexual, as he did not care for Misa, even Watari was involved in this crazy bet, he thought light was pansexual , and Mogi simply did not give a fuck.

Mean while on the jet, L and Light enjoyed all forms of fancy treats including Italian cream cake, cranberry sorbet, and strawberry éclairs, all served by our beloved Watari.

"Are we there yet?" Light asked.

"No" Watari said.

And five minutes latter…..

"Are we there yet?"

" Light-kun aren't you a bit too old for this?"

And from then on there was silence on the trip till they actually got there.

"Ah, look who is finally here." Roger said to our three favorite Whammy's boys.

Near just scowled, he didn't like L much, or anyone else for that matter, so he continued to go on with his favorite Bob the Builder puzzle. Matt looked up from his Game boy Advanced, he was playing Pokemon Silver Version, he looked exited and smiled at his friend Mello, who was eating a chocolate bar.

Linda peeked in through the door and stared at Near dreamily. If only he would like her, if only he could like any one at all.

"Now be on your best behavior, and don't do anything to make me look bad" Roger said looking sternly at the boys.

"Yes, Sir" They said in unison.

What could possibly go wrong? Roger thought to himself,…if only he knew….

. * **Okay just so you know Penne pasta, well in Spanish there is a similar word pene which means penis . So now you can get the joke **** lol.**

**So give me a few ideas on questions that the boys could ask L to make Roger look bad.**


End file.
